Back in my former life, I think I remember that I used to like going shopping. Whenever I was bored, I used to go out and buy clothes, shoes, and makeup for myself just because. That’s all a distant memory now, and I’m pretty sure I’m wearing underwear I purchased before my wedding. These days, ALL of my shopping activity abides by two principles:
1. I will avoid bringing small children into a store at all costs. This means I pretty much never buy anything for myself. It also means online shopping is my best friend!
AND
2. Every season my kids seem to need an entire new wardrobe. Yeah, when people said kids were expensive, they weren’t kidding. Their clothes are either outgrown or just plain DESTROYED after a matter of months. Even though I have two boys and two girls, I’ve barely had any success at using hand me downs among my kids because the age gap is large and the clothes rarely survive the first owner.
Doing all this online shopping for kids clothes (OK, and occasionally for myself too), I’m always on the lookout for deals and discounts. I’m also a huge skeptic so it takes a lot for me to be convinced to try something.
Eventually, a friend talked me into trying Ebates. Of everything I’ve seen, it is one of the best money saving tools for Moms.
The concept is super simple. When you need to buy something online, go through their site and you get a specified percentage of cash back on your purchase. The stores include just about all of our go-tos: Gap, Carter’s, Old Navy, Land’s End, Macy’s, and more. You can also get cash back on toys and other purchases at other retailers like the Disney Store, Target, and Amazon. Here is just a small selection of the stores that you shop through Ebates:
The EASIEST way to shop with Ebates is to install a little browser button that will light up red anytime it sees you’re about to make a purchase through one of their stores. Then all you need to do is click the Ebates button and your cash back percentage will be applied.
It will automatically apply any coupon codes that are active too!
Once a quarter, all your cash back will be totaled up and they’ll mail you a check. SUPER SIMPLE!
Just in case you think I’m full of what the dogs eat, here is a screen shot of my Ebates account showing my account total of $233.86 in the upper right corner:
You can also see each purchase I made that quarter and how much cash back it earned me.
You know how kids can be so annoying and so exhausting, you have to laugh about it in order to deal with how insane it is?
That’s where I am right now with my 4 year old waking me up at night. For the most absurd reasons.
My kid isn’t like most little kids who rotate between the “drink of water” and “need to go potty” requests all night long. She prefers to torture me more creatively.
Reasons my 4 year old has woken me up at night:
To ask me if I’m sleeping.
She needs a bandaid for an invisible boo boo.
Her pajamas have a tag that suddenly became itchy.
To ask me why she can say “Mario” but she can’t say “Luh-lee-gee”.
(15 mins later) Just letting me know that Mario wears red and “Luh-lee-gee” wears green and did I know those are Christmas colors?
Checking to see if I remembered that a long, long, long, LONG time ago, she watched Frosty the Snowman.
To ask if it is anybody’s birthday tomorrow.
To ask how many days there are until her birthday.
Screaming, terrified because she is sure she saw one of her stuffed animals move.
(10 mins later) This time she’s not sure if it moved, but she wants me to get it out of her room anyway.
Asks, “if sunscreen smells like bananas does that mean it tastes like bananas?”
To have me dispose of a hangnail that she peeled off.
She wanted me to tell her again what my name was before my name was Mommy.
To let me know that she plans on swimming in the deep water when she’s 5. Or maybe 10. But she thinks 5.
To ask if she will be getting the treat I’ve bribed her with as a reward for not waking me up in the night.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t understand how that bribe is supposed to work 🙄
Sometimes I feel like a better mattress could stop this, I found a very interesting article on Top Mattress blog, right here: https://www.topmattress.com/best-mattress-for-kids/ – I know how sleep is extremely important so sometimes researching and reading a bit can solve the problem.
What ridiculous reasons have your kids had for waking you up in the night? Share your parenting funnies with a comment!
Ask Me Anything is a collaborative series featuring individuals and families that are facing challenges or are unique in some way. People can ask them anything they’d like to know about their story as long as it’s respectful.
The goal of this series is for people to gain a better understanding of those in unique situations. Open communication is key to understanding one another. If you would like to be featured in a future post, email me at [email protected].
How did you find yourself in an abusive relationship?
Looking back, I was clearly groomed. My abuser was seven years older than me, which is a lot when you’re a teenager. I was experimenting with drugs and knew him from that world. He was a meth addict and for a while I just thought of him that way: as this eccentric tweaker that I found interesting and I remember wanting to interview him to write a play about him or something. But he pressured me into trying meth when I was fifteen and then just totally messed with my mind until I thought I was in love with him. There were a lot of warning signs. He actually once admitted to raping a woman, but I was so naive I thought he was telling an odd joke I didn’t get.
An impressionable teen at 15
By the time we started dating, there were a lot of indicators of abuse. He’d say really cruel things. He would disappear for days; I would hear rumors that he was cheating on me, once with a thirteen year old girl. I would hear rumors that he had done really terrible things to other girls and women, but I was so in love with him, I just couldn’t believe it. When he pushed me, I rationalized it. When he finally started hitting me and strangling me, I was too in shock. I had never been treated that way before and I didn’t know what to do. So I just…stayed. I mean I would leave him, but then he would beg me to come back and all I wanted, at that time, was for him to change and accept my love and love me back. So I followed my hope instead of what reality was actually showing me.
What factor finally influenced your decision that you had to escape the toxic relationship? How were you finally able to get out?
I actually wrote an entire blog post that goes into the details of this, but the short answer is: my son. My son was born after I had been with this guy for four years. We stayed together for a few months, but when my son was a couple months old, his father randomly flew to Japan-without telling me-to visit his 5 year old daughter for the first time. He tried to say he was just being a good dad, but what about the newborn infant he abandoned without a word? Anyway, when he got back he relapsed and became really violent again. On one occasion, he almost killed both my son and I, and it made me realize that there was no way out. My son was going to end up dead or harmed unless I got this guy out of our lives. I turned my ex in, and he was sentenced to five years in prison.
What did you learn about yourself from this situation?
Well, I suppose in terms of positive attributes I have gained, empathy for others is the biggest one. I used to be really judgmental of people who did things differently than I thought I would. But the truth is, you never know what you would do in a given situation unless you’re in it, and the truth will often surprise you. I also learned that I am stronger and more resilient than I thought. I can sure take a beating. And I have a hard skull. Literally. I have had my head repeatedly punched in to pavement and turned out okay.
In all honesty, this experience left me really damaged. I have PTSD from this, and every day I have to combat feelings of deep hopelessness and depression. I have survived more than one suicide attempt, and I struggle almost daily to remind myself that I do have a reason to live. Trauma like this gets trapped in the body, so it’s really sad to know that I will, for the rest of my life, live in a body that has been brutally abused. There are some abuse survivors who say that even though their abuse was terrible, they wouldn’t change anything about their past because it helped shape them and they love themselves. I don’t feel that way. There are some days when I suppose I do, but I really hate having PTSD. I really hate living in this body, and it’s nothing to do with how it looks, but how it feels.
How do you feel your situation affected your children? Do you fear they might repeat the cycle of being in abusive relationship themselves?
Only my eldest child, my son, was fathered by my abuser. My daughters are both my husband’s and never witnessed any of that stuff. My son was so young, 8 months old, when his father got out of his life, that I’m sure he doesn’t remember any of it. Last year, my abuser re-entered my life by first establishing paternity and then filing a custody suit, but last week he dropped it. I hope that’s permanent. I think that yes, he could influence my son to be an abusive person, if he were allowed back into his life.
My son and I
My son, however, has severe autism. He is totally non-verbal, still in diapers at age 9, and has developmental and cognitive delays. The cause of autism is still unknown, but new science is pretty certain it’s a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Now, which environmental factors caused my son’s autism is impossible to know. I was on anti-depressants for the first month or so of my pregnancy, and those have been potentially tied to autism. I was prescribed them to combat the depression I was feeling due to being abused. My ex also abused me while I was pregnant, pretty viciously. Prenatal trauma has been hypothesized to be a factor in the development of autism. He also physically and sexually abused me in front of our infant son. There’s not a whole lot known about the effects of trauma during early infancy, but childhood trauma can have some devastating side-effects. I do believe that the things my ex did at least contributed to the severity of my son’s autism, if they didn’t cause it altogether.
How has PTSD influenced the way you raise your children?
PTSD made me incapable of raising my son. I was diagnosed with PTSD around the same time he was diagnosed with autism. I had already been struggling and needing a lot of help before then, but it became clear that we both needed a lot of care and support and I wasn’t going to be able to give him his best chance at life so I put him in the care of family. He’s been in my custody legally, but due to my ex’s recent custody suit, my mom is now filing for third party custody. My husband and I do hope to take him to live with us one day, but it’s a really complicated situation and this custody suit made it a lot worse.
I was addicted to drugs for a while, before I got pregnant with my older daughter. I had a lot of guilt and shame about that, but have since learned it was an instinctual way of self-medicating my hyperaroused nervous system, which was that way because of PTSD. Even though I am clean now, I am still struggling to fix my financial situation and learn healthy ways to relax and deal with triggers.
My daughter and I
My PTSD symptoms mean I get depressed often and anger easily. Having my abuser come back into my life caused a resurgence in a lot of the symptoms I had thought resolved. I am now on medication to prevent myself from having PTSD nightmares, which are far worse and scarier than regular nightmares. Sometimes it’s hard for me to focus because I dissociate. I am often afraid to go outside, which affects my kids sometimes. Making phone calls induces a lot of anxiety within me, which is problematic if I need to set an appointment or something. I have to really prioritize self-care. My daughters don’t always understand why my “me time” is important, but if I didn’t take it, I would have a break down and probably end up attempting suicide. I did attempt suicide last year, on my birthday, which is also the anniversary of an especially bad assault. I was away in a psych ward for a few days afterward. My daughters show concern now when they hear sirens; the older one asks sometimes if they are going to come take me away. I am sorry for that, though I try my best not to blame myself because it’s not my fault that I have PTSD. I think I am going to have my older daughter go to some kind of therapy soon so that it hopefully doesn’t affect her later in life.
Just being Mama
On the plus side, I am more caring and empathetic. Although I have to fight the urge to snap, I understand that place of deep rage and disappointment that causes them to throw fits, and when you understand something, you are better able to help ease it. I also display strength and courage daily, and I know how important it is to promote my daughters’ self-esteem. Honestly, I think the positives will manifest more when they are teenagers, because I’ll be (hopefully) better able to deal with the catastrophes that teenage girls get into.
How does your past relationship and your PTSD affect your everyday life?
I am less trusting. It is hard for me to get close to people. My husband often complains that I’m not affectionate enough, but it just doesn’t come naturally to me anymore. I am anxious often; I can’t work a conventional job. My self-esteem is terrible, which affects everything. Sex does nothing for me, which my husband hates. When we first met, I was still using, and the drugs helped fix whatever is wrong with my system so that I really did enjoy sex. Now he blames himself, and I have to keep reminding him that my body is numb. I am dissociated; I can’t feel anything. My ex raped me on numerous occasions, so sex often causes mild flashbacks. I love my husband and I want to make him happy. But I just can’t get into it anymore. I’m hoping therapy will eventually fix that.
Just married!
My friendships have suffered. I can be quick to anger and quick to take offense, and if the other person doesn’t actively try to repair the friendship after a fight, then the friendship ends. My self-esteem is so terrible that I feel like everyone is better off without me. Honestly, I feel subhuman on a regular basis. PTSD is a lonely, shaken existence.
How are you planning to move on/move forward in life?
I go to regular therapy: weekly individual counseling and a weekly peer support group. Blogging about my trauma and experiences with PTSD has also helped me get some of it out of my body and head, and also to connect with others. Writing has always been a big part of my life. It is my big dream, and what I got my education in. I still hope to become a successful, published author. I’ve been trying to write a fantasy trilogy for close to a decade, but recently realized that maybe I need to get a trauma narrative out of me first. Maybe that’s the blockage that is preventing me from writing this thing, and if I write a memoir or some kind of trauma narrative first, even if I never publish it, maybe then I will be able to write my novels.
Also, I recently started writing a play and that has brought a feeling of life back to me that I had actually forgotten was possible. I love the theatre; I recently got to see my favorite play again (Sam Mendes’ production of Cabaret) and it sparked me in a way nothing has in a while.
What would you like people who don’t have any understanding of what you went through to know?
Domestic violence is incredibly complex. Nobody expects it, and facing it is harder than you will ever imagine. Leaving your abuser means facing what happened to you. It means potentially developing PTSD, which you only get once the trauma ends. There are often other factors as well. Don’t judge people for staying, and if you know someone who is being abused, don’t try to shame or guilt her into leaving because it will have the opposite effect. Negative reinforcement does not work; she’s already getting that from her abuser.
As for PTSD: it never goes away. Never. It can be treated; symptoms can be reduced, but it will never be cured. A person who has PTSD will always be traumatized so please don’t tell or expect her to “get over it.” If you “detox” someone for being negative due to PTSD, you are committing a cruelty that will harm her more than you will ever know.
What advice would you give to someone in the same situation?
If you are being abused, you need to first leave. As scary a prospect as it is, it really is the best and most important thing.
There is an app called “Aspire News” that disguises as a regular news site but has DV resources: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.collectiveray.aspire&hl=enYou can also call 211 or visit their website to find local shelters and resources if you are in the United States. 211.org If you follow @PixelProject on Twitter (or just check out their page) they tweet worldwide DV and sexual assault survivor resources every day. You can also tell your doctor and he or she should be able to help you.
It is scary as hell- there’s no doubt about that. But you cannot start healing until you leave.
Once you have left, you need to reach out for support. Professional support, like therapy, but also the support of family and friends. Even if you’ve been estranged due to abuse, if you explain what was happening, there are people who will help. If you truly have no one, then please go to a peer support group and therapy.
I wrote a guest post about self-care specifically targeted for abuse survivors, which you can read here: https://www.makeit218.com/blog/2017/4/26/8-self-care-techniques-to-heal-after-abuse. It is really, really important that you get professional AND personal support. PTSD develops when a person experiences trauma and does not get enough support afterward. You can prevent it by accessing support. If you do get it, aversion to therapy is a symptom- but fight it. Fight it and go to therapy because symptomatic remission is possible.
About the guest blogger
Elizabeth Brico is a freelance writer, playwright, poet, blogger, and DV survivor who writes about living and parenting with PTSD on her blog Betty’s Battleground. She hosts a mental health link library on her blog, which opens for new links with a new theme biweekly, so if check out “Off-Fridays” if you write about topics related to mental health and mental illness. When she’s not actively momming or blogging, Elizabeth can usually be found writing, reading, or watching speculative fiction. You can follow her on Twitter: @bettymama206 and Facebook: facebook.com/bettysbattleground
I’ve met hundreds of Moms in my 8 years as a parent. For the most part I feel like we are all doing our best with a job that’s insanely hard and doesn’t have clear instructions. I truly believe in Moms-supporting-Moms as we all are in this together. But sometimes support comes in the form of tough love. So if you are one of these Moms, the WORST kinds of Moms, I feel like I need to let you know.
Knowledge is power, my Mommy friends.
1. The Pregnancy Police
She is the initiation to all the Worst Moms we will encounter in our mothering career.
After the joy of discovering we’re pregnant and trying to keep it on the down low for 12 weeks, we finally go public with the news. We are glad to join the club with all our friends who became Moms before us. We’ve been longing for their support and are eager to learn from their wisdom.
Unfortunately the joy doesn’t last long, because the Pregnancy Police rushes in with her “friendly advice”.
That coffee is decaf, right? You know caffeine is bad for the baby.
DON’T EAT THAT! How do you know if that cheese was pasteurized?!
Are you going to go natural with your hair now because you know you’re not supposed to dye your hair when you’re pregnant.
While she may have good intentions, the absolute last thing a nervous, vulnerable, first-time pregnant mom needs is the Pregnancy Police watching every move and throwing shame onto her unsuspecting victim.
2. The Constantly Excusing Mom
Her kid is a terror. The tantrums are one of top of another. He refuses to share, grabs toys away from other kids, and screams at his mother when she feebly asks him to stop.
But it’s not the kid’s behavior the is the Worst. It’s the barrage of excuses his mother makes.
She points to him while fake-whispering: “He really didn’t sleep well last night.”
She pretends to talk to her kid when her words are really directed at the other Moms: “You must need to eat something because I know you get cranky when you’re hungry!”
When all else fails and he’s still acting like a jerk, she’ll say “I think someone isn’t feeling well! Must be that bug going around!”
Any excuse will do for the Mom who refuses to assign blame or correct her child’s behavior. If only she’d say something like, “wow, he’s acting like such a little shit today!”, we could all be friends.
3. The Non-reciprocating Mom
Listen lady, I pretended to enjoy having your little hellion over to play at my house last week so that you would entertain my little hellion at your house next week. That’s how this works.
The worst offenders will even call you again and ask you to watch their kid so they can go do something. Regardless of what you think, I’m actually not a free childcare service.
4. The Humble-Brag Mom
This Mom just HATES to brag, but could you believe her 3 year old was allowed to play on the 4 year old soccer team? And she has no idea why, because he only scored 6 goals the first game when he probably could have scored 7.
Not to mention her daughter, who entered kindergarten reading chapter books, but seriously she had no idea all kids weren’t doing that!
Watch out for the humble-brag mom on social media. You will know her from how #grateful she is for her perfectly coordinated children who just surprised her with homemade cookies and a vase of fresh flowers! Isn’t she so #blessed?
5. The Flakey Mom
This Mom could actually be cool, if you were ever able to nail down a time to see her. She makes plans to come over, then texts to cancel an hour after she was supposed to be there. When she does show up, she’s gotta run after 30 minutes because she forgot about dance class. If she makes it to the pool party, you better have an extra bathing suit to loan her kid because Flakey Mom definitely won’t have one.
6. The Judgey Mom
She is the absolute WORST of all the Worst Moms No One Can Stand. Forget whatever you thought you were doing right as a parent, because this mom is here to tell you you’re doing it wrong.
Wait, why does he have a bottle? Didn’t he turn 1 last week?
Is that a happy meal toy? My kids don’t even know what McDonalds is!
I’m SURE you’ve heard about TV and how it’s bad for brain development.
If you recognize yourself as one of these Moms:
I’m sorry we can’t stand you. Take it as constructive criticism, reign in your Worst Mom behavior, and we can all Kumbaya while complaining about our kids once more.
Ask Me Anything is a collaborative series featuring individuals and families that are facing challenges or are unique in some way. People can ask them anything they’d like to know about their story as long as it’s respectful.
The goal of this series is for people to gain a better understanding of those in unique situations. Open communication is key to understanding one another. If you would like to be featured in a future post, email me at [email protected].
After 10 years of trying and 5 failed IVF cycles, this was our option.
My husband and I started attempting pregnancy when I was 29 and he 31. One year after our wedding. Not old by my standards. My mother had 9 kids naturally, with her last at 42, and my sister had 3, so I assumed my fertility would turn on when I decided.
I had been on birth control pills for 10 years due to severe menstrual cramps. They allowed me to carry on a normal life. It had been suggested that maybe I had endometriosis, but I never had it tested. So I went off the pill and we had married sex. That’s what people do. Have sex then get pregnant. This carried on for close to a year when we decided that we should look into why we were not getting pregnant. I did some basal temperature and ovulation timing stuff. No go. It was time to see a specialist.
I was a Labor & Delivery nurse and hubby a physician, so we checked in with a fertility doc we knew. By this time (life carries on) I was in my early 30’s. After a thorough evaluation, it was suggested we not waste any more time and go right to In-vitro Fertilization (IVF). So we did.
Our Attempts at IVF
IVF is a complex medical experiment. They tell you up front that they cannot guarantee anything because there are so many factors that go into successful pregnancy and birth. They can give you best-case statistics and you go from there. Being a nurse, I felt ready and willing to do this to start a family. My husband was right at my side.
This is not a story about IVF, so I will give the shortened version of that. Tests, shots, appointments, needles, IV sedation, and more shots. Over a 6 week period. All to get many eggs out of my ovaries—called an egg retrieval.
The goal is to mix his sperm with my harvested eggs, get fertilized in a petri dish, and transferred back into my uterus a few days later. Once this is done everyone waits 2 weeks to see if pregnancy is achieved. For us, no go. So we hopped right back on that horse and tried IVF #2. Cycle, rinse, and repeat. Again, got eggs, got sperm, but no pregnancy.
At this point we felt we should seek a second opinion. We did our research and transferred to a new office. IVF #3, got eggs, got sperm, no pregnancy (it should be noted: When we showed up for this embryo transfer, all the power blew out in the building when we walked in the door. A superstitious person would take this as a sign from the universe, but we snubbed our noses at the universe and waited for the power to go back on).
With 3 failed IVF attempts, we got off the horse, caught our breaths, and life carried on. We found a 3rd doctor, highly rated, right in our backyard. So we started again.
Seeking Answers
We put our trust in this doctor because we had to. He wanted a full, complete workup redone. So I did it. He found a few things that turned up that could cause infertility, but were not absolute reasons for it. 1) A mild uterine septum and endometriosis, which I had surgically corrected. 2) MTHFR, which is a genetic marker that could raise your risk for blood clots. So I took blood thinners.
No one could find a true reason why I couldn’t get pregnant, but he offered a treatment of these findings to give it the best shot. IVF #4 proceeded as expected, but no eggs. No eggs means no pregnancy. “Let’s do this again,” we said. So IVF #5 proceeded. Got eggs, got sperm, no pregnancy.
By this time I threw up my hands, said enough is enough. We gave it a good college try. Time to move on in life. And we took a break. We looked into adoption, but never felt like it was the right choice for us. So we carried on.
Deciding to Use Donor Eggs
For some reason we decided, when I was 37 or 38, to go back to our 3rd doctor and find out our other options. He kindly told us at this point donor eggs were our best bet for conception. So donor eggs it will be.
We embarked on a journey of obtaining eggs from another human being, and what a journey it was. My doctor’s office pointed us in the direction of an outside agency that coordinates these things. Here’s how it worked for us:
–Private agencies form to connect egg donors or surrogates with egg wanters. You are usually directed to one of these agencies through a fertility clinic. People who have some sort of healthcare or fertility background usually start donor agencies, but there are no legal standards for opening one. It is essentially a dating service for eggs (or surrogates).
Choosing the Donor
As an egg recipient we are given a password to log into a database of faces and profiles to try to pick an egg donor that most resembles you or your family. “Someone that looks like they’d fit in the family photo,” we were told. You see pictures and stats (height, weight, age, education; medical, social, psych. and family history).
If you think scrolling on Pinterest is time consuming, try finding the person whom you would like to get genetic material from.
Once you find said person, then you have to find out if they are available. Not always the case.
We found out that a young woman (18-24) can register to donate, have her photo and stats put up, and wait to see if they are contacted. When you pick someone from a database, they may have submitted it 3 or 4 years ago. As we found out, that 21 year old is now 24 and in graduate school, or touring Asia for 5 months. It means that not every donor is available on your timetable. The egg donor has to do an IVF cycle to produce eggs for retrieval. This requires time and travel. Some donors are not readily available.
Failed Donor Attempts
So we picked one, who we liked, who was available. “YEAH, this is going to happen” we thought. Legal paperwork signed, appointments set. She never showed up. The nurse from our doctor’s office called and said, “this does not usually happen”. We had already paid some $7000 to the donor agency. They said pick again.
So again, we picked someone. At this point it was less about picking someone that looked like me and more like someone my husband would pick if he were dating. You come to these terms because once you commit to having kids with donor eggs you make decisions you never thought you would.
Our second donor was available, willing, and ready. Contracts signed, appointments set, plans made. About 3 weeks into the 6-week IVF cycle, I get a call, again, from the nurse. Turns out this donor had donated through another agency in the area and upon having a workup was found to not be a successful candidate. This was not known until some medical stuff was being worked up. So, again, we were let down.
The agency apologized up and down, repeating that this does not usually happen. They screened so well they don’t know what happened. We asked for all our money back and they agreed.
Now, most people would take this as a sign from the universe to abandon this idea and move on. But my husband wanted to be a father and I wanted to create our family, so we kept going.
Finding a Donor Match
We found a new agency, picked a new donor. She was ready, willing, and available. We found out that she had donated before and was successful. In our state (IL) each agency is supposed to limit how many times a donor is used to reduce the genetic redundancy in the population. It’s something like 5-6 times in a 50 mile radius. Some mathematical probability thing. But we knew she had success so we saw that as a positive. (I know there are other people out in the world with the same genetic line, but I don’t have a problem with it. It doesn’t cross my mind unless I think long and hard about it). Appointments were made, legal papers signed, and again, we tried.
Legal requirements:
Each party (egg donor, egg recipient) needs their own legal representation. We were provided a list of attorneys in the area who specialize in reproductive law. It is a real specialty and we are grateful there are those who made it a specialty.
In my state (IL) we have some pretty strong laws protecting both parties. Eggs are considered property. The donor is trading her genetic material for an agreed upon price. The contract usually prohibits either party from seeking out the other party for any reason. If some major medical finding is discovered that has consequences for either party, the lawyers act as the go-between.
The person, or couple, receiving the eggs is called “the intended parents”. Intended parents pay for both legal sides and all medical care for the donor.
Before going through with a final donor cycle, each intended parent couple must have an evaluation with a licensed psychologist who specializes in reproductive issues.
During this evaluation we learned that it is in everyone’s best interest (kids, family, etc.) to know how the children were conceived. We knew we did not want this to be a secret. We know we wanted it to be an early discussion, as part of the fabric of our children’s lives. The psychologist was able to assist us with finding children’s books that address them being conceived from donor eggs. Also, our fertility doctor told us he has never had a client who regretted using donor eggs. They are your kids.
Finally, success!
On our first attempt using donor eggs, we obtained 6 fertilized eggs. 2 were transferred into me and 4 were frozen. We chose to have 2 placed to increase my chances of having a child. Our doctor had to take my health and age into consideration when agreeing to the possibility of twins. I am tall and healthy, so twins it was.
Using donor eggs allowed me to conceive a pregnancy on our first attempt. I carried a healthy twin pregnancy up to 36 weeks, when I was 39 years old. I had no problems and our twins were born healthy. This showed me that with enough medication my body could do pregnancy. I have no answer as to why my own eggs prevented it.
Genetic similarity between our children and their donor
When someone has a baby it is very natural to look for familiar features in her face. Whose eyes does she have, a nose like Grandma, etc. I knew I wouldn’t see my traits so I didn’t look for them. And it didn’t bother me at all. I’ve never expected to have children with my features. I am pale white and my husband is African-American. I knew any children I had, with my own eggs or someone else’s, would inherit beautiful tan skin and some version of dark and curly hair. We just hoped they would be tall, since we are both tall. The donor we picked is my height.
We have a folder containing numerous photos of our egg donor. From her birth to adulthood. Pictures of her parents and siblings. A few times in the early months and years I would pull this file and look for something. Maybe my brain couldn’t see it, but I cannot see any resemblance between my children and the egg donor. We see traits of my husband. We’ll see how they grow and if this changes.
A second successful pregnancy
When our twins were about a year old we decided to add to our family, and get pregnant again. Because we were 40 and 42 we didn’t feel we had much time to wait. We went back to the doctor and requested one embryo to be transferred. He cautioned us that this next attempt would use a previously frozen embryo and would have a lower success rate. But much like previously frozen chicken, there was not much difference. I took my meds, embryo placed, and I carried a healthy pregnancy to 41 weeks. I was 41 years old. Our 3rd child is happy and healthy.
Having twins was/is a wild adventure. And having 3 kids in 2 years is a game changer. That is another discussion for another day.
I successfully conceived and carried 3 children using donor eggs. In hindsight, I wish we had gone this route 8 years earlier, after 2 failed IVF cycles. I feel we wasted too much time “trying” with my eggs. You don’t know what you’re in until you’re out of it. No one could make that decision for us.
Explaining their conception
In the future I plan on sharing our story with our children. They are currently 5,5,& 3. We have already started reading the children’s books about egg donation so it is a normal idea. I will show them pictures of the donor, if they want to see them. Because their genetic line is affected I want to be completely open and honest with my daughters. This will have implications when/if they decide to have children.
Can a child ever find their donor?
We were told that there are websites that donors and kids conceived with donor eggs can try to link up. The legal parties do not endorse this. This is for those who are curious. One party would put in “I am donor #123 from X agency who donated at this time”. The recipients could put in “I was conceived at this time with donor #123 from X agency”. If both parties want to meet it’s on them. I don’t know that I would encourage my kids to do this when they are older. But each of them will have their own needs on this in the future (think “The Kids are All Right”).
Special considerations about fertility treatments
Expense:
Fertility treatments and using donor eggs is VERY expensive. Even if you have good insurance, fees paid to the donor, agency, lawyers, etc. is all out of pocket. DO NOT bankrupt yourself to have kids. We had wonderful financial resources through insurance and personal funds. We were able to shell out $20,000 + in cash. Going broke to have kids will put you in a very difficult financial place. It would be hard to get out of it. And having kids is hugely expensive. I do not recommend borrowing from your 401 (k) or anything like that.
Time and energy:
I had a part-time job with flexible hours. My husband had a job with flexible shift work, so I was able to fit this in my life. Also, I had no children, so I had a lot of free time. Each cycle takes a lot of planning and coordinating of schedules. Fertility clinics try to work with working couples to fit their schedules.
Unused embryos:
Going into this process, my husband and I did not have a set # of children we wanted. We went in just to get pregnant. Once we had our twins I thought I couldn’t do that again. The workload and sleep deprivation pummeled us. But I knew I did not want to make a final decision while I was tired. And then we decided to have another child.
Again, big workload and sleep deprivation, but I did not want to make any final decision while I was tired. In fact, after my 3rd I decided I wanted to go back and finish with 3 more kids. To use up all the embryos we have. I am one of 9 kids, so I decided that we could create the fun and loving family that I grew up in. My husband did not share my enthusiasm.
The emotional impact of having unused embryos
My parents had 9 kids over 22 years. We would be trying 6 kids in 6 years. You cannot have more kids with someone who does not want more. This hurts my heart, but I know I cannot do that to him or our family. So, we still have 3 embryos in storage waiting to be dispositioned. We pay $500 a year to keep them stored. To me it feels like having someone in a stable coma with no chance of survival. It’s just up to us to sign the paperwork. We, or I, am putting this off until I am emotionally ready to accept this position.
If you have a problem deciding what to do with left over embryos, do not do this. You do not know how you will decide because you do not know what you will get. What if you have 3 embryos? Can you manage 3 kids? What if you have 23 embryos? Then what? You have to be prepared to make these hard decisions. Nothing prepares you for this. I was raised Catholic but maintain a pro-choice position.
A choice of love
Choosing to start a family using donor eggs is a wide-open adventure. But is also a choice of love. I was willing and able to use donor eggs because I love my husband and wanted to give him children and build a family with him.
I want my children to know that each one of them was very intentionally produced. No accidents here. They were planned, sought out, and worked for. We have our family on purpose. Only time will tell how my children will react to this truth. I believe it will change as they age. We will answer their questions as best we can. I want them to know we did this with good intentions, based in love.
Joanne is a professional registered nurse, wife to hubby of 17 years, mother to 3 pre-schoolers and a dog. When she is not running the household she likes to sleep (undisturbed), read, drink coffee, and converse with adults.
She is trying to intentionally live a life of clean eating and clean living. She exercises regularly and tries to figure out what’s for dinner each night. Her greatest asset is kindness.
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Thank you to the following bloggers who contributed questions to this post:
Elizabeth Brico is a freelance writer, playwright, poet, blogger, and DV survivor who writes about living and parenting with PTSD on her blog 
