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How my husband makes me feel SUPER sexy

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Moms, I know your story.

I understand about how you feel touched out. I know your fatigue. I’m all too familiar with how your small children suck the life out of every fiber of your being. (Cough, cough Parenting Truths).

When you are tired, no exhausted, from GIVING GIVING GIVING all day, sex is just not on your radar. If you have any kid-free time you want to spend it showering, or getting your nails done, or catching up on Netflix, or better yet taking a NAP.

It seems like not wanting sex from your husband is another Mom cliché that everyone is on board with, like needing coffee to survive Motherhood and pouring a glass of wine immediately after bedtime.

Well if you subscribe to that sentiment then you need to share this with your man, because mine is doing something right.

Sex is still relevant in our marriage, and not like a chore (because seriously, I suck at doing chores). It is still relevant as in, he makes me feel like a sexual being. And feeling sexy is a pretty damn critical piece of enjoying sex.

I may not look like the media’s image of a sexy woman. Multiple pregnancies have crushed my dreams of ever looking decent in a bikini again. My hair is never done and I rarely change out of my basic mom uniform of yoga pants or some other form of athleisure. (Athletileisure? I never know. I don’t have time to be cool.)

But my husband writes his own book about what sexy is, and in his book it is me.

He notices when I’ve put in effort.

AND he compliments it.

If for some reason I’ve decided to put on jeans instead of yoga pants, he says “you look nice today!”

When I take an extra few minutes to put on some makeup he says, “wow, you look pretty.”

If it’s really a special day and I’ve spent an hour to actually style my hair, he says “what’s the occasion?!”

Ok I should probably spend more time on my hair. But you get the idea.

He still wants me whether I’m done up or not.

I love getting those compliments when I’ve put effort into my appearance, but sadly those are not daily occurrences.

The good part is, he doesn’t care.

He has made it clear from day 1 that he wants me whether I’m at my best or at my worst.

When you think about it, this is probably the best thing he could do for our sex life. If I felt like I had to be dressed up and looking my best before having sex, that would limit our days of intimacy to a handful of times a year!

Knowing he doesn’t care about that, he just wants me however I am at that moment, gives me the confidence to initiate sex whenever the mood strikes.

And Moms: I’m pretty sure your man wants you anytime, anywhere too. Maybe he just needs to express that more, or you need to let go of feeling like you don’t look good enough.

He flirts with me.

Something about this just really gets me going.

If my man catches my eye from across a crowded room, without fail he will smile and wink at me. After 10 years together, that small gesture still gives me a jolt of excitement.

Though we aren’t big PDA people, every now and then if we are out at a bar or party he will walk up from behind me and slide his hand across my hip.

When out with friends, he likes to poke fun at some quirky part of me. He does it to get a laugh, but also in a sweet “isn’t she such a goofball?” flirtatious kind of way.

All of these examples are lightyears away from our normal daily interactions at home. With 4 kids, our daily life is like managing a summer camp. We coordinate activities and schedules, serve food, clean up, hand the baby back and forth over and over. The daily grind can be brutal and overwhelming.

So when we escape from that and he actually FLIRTS with me, it reminds me that he still sees me. That I’m someone other than “Mommy-can-you-get-me-this”. He notices me and gives me attention in this fun, mildly-sexual way, and it never fails to give me a thrill.

He buys me clothes.

I see this one as “putting his money where his mouth is”.

As a CPA, finances are my husband’s game. Budgeting the household is part of his life’s purpose. So when he comes home with a dress from a nice store that he just passed by, it’s kind of a big deal that he bothered to spend the money on it. It means he wants to see me in it more than he wants to hold on to his cash.

And believe me when I say this is a man who likes to hold on to his cash!

Almost always when I open the box and see the slinky dress he picked out, my first thought is “I can’t pull this off!” I worry I don’t have the right bra for a halter dress or my skin is too pale to wear black in the winter.

This is where I need to swallow my pride.

He bought me the dress because he wants to see me wear it. He doesn’t think about the logistics of Spanx or how I haven’t had time to work on my summer glow.

If he thinks I’ll look sexy in it, I’ll let that decision be up to him. If he cared enough to walk into the store and buy it, how difficult is it for me to put it on for him?

As women we’re always looking in the mirror to find the flaw.

  • Does my post-baby belly roll show in this outfit?
  • Do my boobs look saggy?
  • Does my butt look wide and flat instead of round and juicy?

Of course when we are searching for our flaws, we will find them. But that isn’t how the men that love us see us. They aren’t searching for a flaw, they are looking at their favorite parts of us. And when they see their favorite parts of us, it makes them want all of us.

He takes me on dates.

We make it a point to spend an evening alone together at least one night a week.

There are two ways to achieve this:

  1. We get a babysitter and go out on a date, either just the two of us or with other couples. This is absolutely essential and for us, it is well-worth the cost. We don’t love how expensive it is to hire a babysitter, but we do love getting to go out and feel like a carefree young couple again! We consider these nights an investment in our marriage. (Another option if you can’t get a sitter: partner up with another couple watch their kids one night, then give them yours the next time.)
  2. We stay in and spend quality, screen-free time together.

These don’t happen every night. Most nights, after the kids are in bed we have chores to tackle or work to get done. A lot of the time we’re just exhausted and veg out on a couch. But regularly, we decide to spend the night just focusing on being together.

Typically we’ll start cooking a nice dinner after the kids are in bed. Early bedtimes help with this! Our kids are in bed by 8.

We take our time preparing the meal. My husband is more of the chef in our household, but he’ll give me some onions to chop or something (chopping = cooking when you’re a slacker mom). We’ll pour wine and maybe ask Alexa to play some low music. Then we just talk.

A screen-free date night done right can be great to re-connect

 

These nights are the ones where we’ve had all our best conversations. It’s where we’ve planned our family, reflected on our parenting, shared our dreams for the future and our biggest fears. These nights bring us closer than anything else we do.

And when we feel that close and connected, how do you think the night ends? (Wink, wink!)

He gives me his full attention.

Of course I can’t have his full attention at all times. I’m competing with four people who are louder and cuter. And when they’re around, they need his attention more than I do.

Then there’s work, and yard work, and “THE LIST OF THINGS THAT MUST GET DONE THIS WEEKEND OR LIFE WILL END”. (No? Just my husband?)

Somewhat of a typical guy, my husband isn’t the best at multi-tasking. One of the best things he did early on in our relationship is fess up to that. I had tried talking to him when he looked available, but his mind was elsewhere. Then I would get annoyed that he wasn’t listening. Eventually he told me, “when I’m doing something, I get really focused. If you need my attention just say ‘I need your attention right now’ and I’ll stop and listen.”

Now I know that tinkering with tools ≠ time to chat. That’s just how he operates.

And when I ask for his attention, he stops everything and gives it to me. Communication channels are open, and I know I’m his top priority.

He does housework.

On his own. Without being told. Every day.

A good man knows that his wife feeling overwhelmed is the antithesis of feeling sexy. That’s why they say the best foreplay for a husband to get his wife in the mood is housework!

This is something most men don’t get, but the ones who do have unlocked the secret to a great relationship and sex life.

Don’t believe me? Check out these headlines:

So the next time your man complains about the “headache” you’ve had the last four nights, tell him to put on some gloves and hit the bathroom!

He takes advantage of every opportunity.

This is actually something we both do. When you’re a busy couple without tons of opportunities to have sex, don’t let a single one go to waste.

Sometimes there’s that magical day where all the kids nap at the same time. Or they’re at Grandma’s and you don’t need to pick them up for 30 minutes. Maybe they’re all in school and you both have a chance to slip out for a lunch break.

When these opportunities arise, we don’t even need to use words. We just jump on them.

A lot of times, the excitement of knowing you’re doing something “sneaky” or that you’re in a hurry makes it extra fun.

Moms: we need to do our part too.

As hard as it is to do, we can’t let our role as Mom take over every aspect of our existence. We have to remember the person we were when we fell in love, and not let go of that person.

To feel sexy as a mom, you might need to re-define what sexiness is.

Hint: It’s not about having a perfect body.

“Sexy” in the context of marriage is about having confidence. Feeling connected. Having the same goals. Enjoying each other’s company. Feeling appreciated. Laughing together.

If you do your part and he does his, you’re holding the ticket to a long, healthy, and sexy marriage.

Ask Me Anything Series: Postpartum Depression

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Ask Me Anything is a collaborative series featuring individuals and families that are facing challenges or are unique in some way. People can ask them anything they’d like to know about their story as long as it’s respectful.

The goal of this series is for people to gain a better understanding of those in unique situations. Open communication is key to understanding one another. If you would like to be featured in a future post, email me at [email protected].

This post was written by guest blogger Jenn R. of This Mommy Is Real.

Ask Me Anything: Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

When did you realize you had PPD? Did you seek help right away?

Around the third week post birth I realized something was not right.  I had a difficult and unexpected birth process, and I suffered from insomnia and anxiety right after.  I felt really out of it and not connected to anyone or anything. I didn’t feel any motherly bonding or blissful moments. In my mind, my son was a baby, but not MY baby. While I provided care for him like every mother should, I felt like a shell or a robot doing a job.

My mind would not rest. I was constantly worried and scared.  In the third week, I experienced a very debilitating panic attack in the middle of the night. The next morning, I realized that something was very wrong and that I needed help.  I started calling the local urgent care office, but eventually spoke with an online psychologist the same day.

Can you share with us the signs or symptoms of PPD so new moms can recognize it better?

PPD and PPA can happen to experienced and first time moms. It’s not guaranteed that a mother will experience it with each birth. PPD and PPA are different from the “baby blues”, which are temporary and fade within a few weeks or so.

Some signs may include:

  • Excessive crying
  • Intrusive thoughts
  • Irritability, anxiety or feeling overwhelmed
  • Insomnia or eating problems
  • A feeling that something isn’t right
What was it like parenting with PPD? 

Truthfully, to this day, I can’t remember all of it because I was constantly in a fog. I do remember that it was very difficult. My thoughts and feelings consistently affected my ability to function normally. I am a first time parent, so I was already struggling with childcare skills. PPD/PPA didn’t make it any better.

The lack of sleep and constant struggle with breastfeeding made it worse. Because I was anxious, I felt like my son could sense it when he nursed.   I felt like a complete failure. I was nothing like the person I used to be, and I could not recognize the person I had turned into. I was no longer confident. Instead, I was a fearful person who constantly suffered. I cried constantly.  Certain thoughts were always running through my mind:

  • I am a failure at motherhood.
  • My poor child is going to suffer because I am a bad mom.
  • I can’t do this. Please don’t leave me alone with this baby.
  • I am so scared. What if I hurt him?
How do you think your mental state affected your child?

A lot of mothers worry what affect PPD / PPA has on their children. The only issue I saw was when we were nursing.  I’m sure that my anxiety and lack of sleep affected the feedings and his ability to be comfortable. However, aside from this, the good news is that as babies, they are too young to commit this period to memory. As long as their needs are being met, and they are not neglected, they are unaffected. My son is proof positive. He is known as the “super happy baby” out of the baby groups. He smiles all the time, and is hardly cranky.

What was the most frustrating thing that people would say to you during that time? 

It was really difficult when people called it a “phase” or “just the baby blues”.  I know they meant well, but this is the time when the mother is so vulnerable, so statements like that feel dismissive.  Sometimes it seemed as if what I felt was not important or trivial.

It was also really difficult to see other mothers (both in person and on social media) have seemingly perfect experiences. I definitely didn’t feel that way, so seeing that made me feel worse and alone.

What was your response to that?

In the beginning, I would remain silent, or I would start crying without explanation.  I had no idea how to process my feelings and deal with their intentions at the same time. However, as I slowly began to cope and recover, I learned to be my own advocate. Because it has made such a significant impact on my well-being and my role as a mother, I started to share what I was really feeling and how it was affecting me.  I became more assertive and open which actually shocked people because they don’t necessarily understand PPD/PPA and its effect on mothers.

Did you use any medication to help battle your depression? Was it effective?

In beginning, I did not. I was very anti-medication because I was afraid of effects on my son (research shows little to none depending on the medicine). I attempted non-medicinal strategies for a couple months.

Eventually I decided to include medication in my recovery because I felt as if my recovery was stifled.  My body rejected the first medication. After a few weeks, I switched to the medication that I am on today. I haven’t had any side effects, and I feel as if a fog has been lifted. While I still have my moments, I am able to recognize them and deal before they overtake me. I am in a better mindset to utilize my coping skills. There is a new clarity, and I think it has given me the opportunity to take more initiative in my recovery.

What strategy was most effective to overcome your PPD?

I don’t think there is just one catch-all strategy for overcoming PPD and PPA.  For me, it was a combination of the following:

  • Having a strong support network (friends, family),
  • Consistently attending and participating in a PPD/PPA Support Group
  • Undergoing Therapy with a Psychologist that specializes in Women’s Issues
  • Seeking the assistance of a Psychiatrist that specializes in Maternal Mental Health –  she was in charge of reviewing my medication requirements

There is one thing that I did on my own which I felt was instrumental in my recovery: I challenged myself to avoid isolation at all costs.

Isolation has a profound effect on the intensity of PPD/PPA. Thus, it is important to take the steps to talk to trusted friends, family and mental health professionals. It’s important to take yourself out of physical isolation as well – having some freedom and a change of environment will help. Once you put yourself out there, it becomes easier to talk about the situation; it helps you become more receptive to care and coping strategies. You feel less trapped or stuck in time.

What advice would you have for new moms who think they might have PPD?

If you suspect that you might have PPD or PPA, don’t feel ashamed to speak up. Your OB should provide you with a simple post birth questionnaire. It asks you about your feelings and well-being. A certain score indicates that you might be suffering. You shouldn’t feel bad if that’s the score you get. It means you will be getting the help you need!

Don’t be afraid to seek help. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself. You’re doing this for both your well-being and that of your child. Remember, you are NOT alone and this is common.  These moments are all but temporary, and you will find yourself again.   PPD and PPD ARE treatable and there resources out there to help mothers like us.

Jenn R lives in California with her husband, dog and young son. She began blogging this year to help herself and others recover from Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. When she’s not in the blogging world, she works full time the import / export industry and sells on the Poshmark platform as a hobby. You can read more about Jenn at thismommyisreal.com.
Thanks to the wonderful bloggers who contributed questions to this post:

6 Useless Phrases Parents Need to Stop Saying to the Their Kids (and what to say instead)

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Parents: Ever feel like a broken record talking to your kids? We say the same things over and over again and wonder why they just don’t listen.

Maybe the problem isn’t just with kids listening, but also with what we’re telling them.

When we put more thought into how to talk to kids, we can connect with them better and reduce our own frustrations.

Here are 6 useless phrases parents need to stop saying to their kids:

1. “Be Careful!”

Why it’s useless: Kids need specific, actionable directives. The generic “be careful” does not tell them what to do. It’s also so overused (just listen to moms on the playground), it has lost all significance.

What to say instead: Be specific! Say exactly what you’re concerned about. “You need to have walking feet in flip flops because it’s easy to trip.” “Did you notice the big crack in the pavement right there?” “Please walk slowly when carrying a tall glass of milk.”

Also, assess the situation. Do your kids actually need to be more careful, or are you underestimating their ability? It might make you nervous to see your child zipping around on their new bike. But if they are wearing a helmet and appropriate gear, you should probably fight the urge shout “be careful!” every 8 seconds. If they fall, they will learn on their own how to ride safely, and shouting “be careful” isn’t likely to prevent any falls anyway.

2. “Calm Down.”

Why it’s useless: Have you ever seen that meme on Facebook that says “Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down”?  Yeah, that.

What to say instead:

  • Take a deep breath with me.
  • Let’s count to 10.
  • Look around the room and tell me 10 things you see.
  • You are safe.
  • How can I help you right now?
3. “Stop Crying.”

Why it’s useless: Same reasoning as “calm down”. We are all guilty of saying it, but it isn’t going to help.

What to say instead: Focus on validating their feelings, even if it seems like something not worth crying over. (To them, it is.)

  • It’s ok to feel sad. I feel sad sometimes too.
  • Do you need a hug?
  • How can we solve this?

A distraction might also help, but don’t use distractions without first validating the child’s feelings. Think of it this way: You might love wine, but if you’re crying to your partner about the horrible day you had, do you want his response to be “here’s a glass of wine”? Or would you feel better with “wow, that does sound like a bad day. I’m sorry you didn’t get that gig you worked so hard for. Would a glass of wine help?”

4. “Let Me Do That.”

Why it’s useless: This is Mom Code for “I can do that better than you can.” Your kid knows you can do it better, but they don’t need their self-confidence and independence shot down by having you remind them of that.

What to say instead: If your child is managing the task on their own, you need not say anything.

  • If they seem to be getting frustrated, ask “would you like any help with that?” If they say no, back off.
  • When possible, validate their efforts. “You’re making a lot of progress with shoe tying. Last time you didn’t get as close as you did this time!”
  • Even if they are completely failing at the task at hand, you can still frame it in a positive way with something like, “It makes me happy to see you trying new things.”
5. “No.”

Why it’s useless: Ok so I’m not saying the word “no” is useless. There is certainly a time an a place where “no” is the only acceptable answer. The issue is when everything is “no”- especially for certain kids where the word “no” is a guaranteed trigger for tantrums or meltdowns.

What to say instead: Always try to frame the answer in a positive if at all possible. For example, child A asks to go to the park when they have ignored their daily responsibilities. Rather than a blanket “no”, spin it around so they hear the part they want to hear first. “We can definitely go to the park as soon as your homework is done.” This emphasizes what they want to do while still including the steps they need to take first.

If there is no positive, a message of understanding and a basic explanation will probably go over better than a flat-out “no”. One of my children is constantly asking for desserts for breakfast even though she knows I’m not going to say yes. If I just answer with “no”, she will continue asking again. A validating explanation can hold her off from asking again in the near future. “That cake we had last night was really good, wasn’t it? I can see why you’re still thinking about it. We don’t have dessert for breakfast though because it won’t fuel your body for the day.”

6. “Good job!”

Why it’s useless: I know you’ve all heard this one before. Beware the dangers of overpraising our children! They will stop putting effort in and become arrogant!  Ok so like all parenting trends, take that with a grain of salt. I really don’t think it is going to any damage to say “good job” to your kids. However there are other more thoughtful responses you could give that would encourage your child a bit more.

What to say instead: Praise their effort or a specific detail of their accomplishment.

  • I can see how hard you worked on that painting!
  • It was very creative of you to make the sky pink!
  • I love watching you do artwork!
In conclusion

All kids are different and we parents know we can’t read off a script and have it work for all children. But by following basic principles of how to talk to kids (and really, all people) we can avoid at least some of the conflict and frustration that goes along with parenting. When we validate their feelings, they feel understood. When we give explanations, they will be more likely to follow directions. With a little effort, we can stop wasting our breath on useless phrases and improve communication with our kids.

 

 

Ask Me Anything: Transracial Adoption

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Ask Me Anything is a collaborative series I’ll be running featuring individuals and families that are facing challenges or are unique in some way. People can ask them anything they’d like to know about their story as long as it’s respectful.

The goal of this series is for people to gain a better understanding of those in unique situations. Open communication is key to understanding one another.

Ask Me Anything: A Transracial Adoptive Family

Having a family that doesn’t “match” means we attract attention wherever we go. Even living in a diverse area, we still stand out in a crowd.

We get a lot of questions and comments when we’re out in public. I’m happy to say that the vast majority are positive.  The number one comment I get is, “you have a beautiful family”. Sometimes I feel like this code for “I’m noticing that your family is different”, but I’ll take the compliment.

Other comments are not so friendly. People have asked prying questions or made assumptions about my kids’ birth parents. Strangers ask me if any of them are my “real” kids (HINT: they are all very much real).

My goal is to openly discuss transracial adoption so people will be more familiar with our situation and other families that look like ours. Following are questions from other bloggers who are familiar with my family but don’t know us in real life.

Meghna Dixit of Love, Life & the little one asks, “What are your thoughts on adoption? When do you know that you are ready to adopt?”

Everyone’s journey is different, but for me, adoption is something I’ve always wanted to do.  I’m not sure where the desire came from but it has been on my mind since I was a young teen. Fortunately for me, my husband was open to the idea. It wasn’t a plan that he would have come up with on his own, but we talked about it prior to getting married and he had a lot of time to think it over.

We decided together that we would adopt first, before attempting to have biological children. It was also important to us that we pursue adoption for kids that were in need of a family, which is why we chose to adopt from foster care vs. domestic infant adoption.  We were not interested in marketing ourselves to birth mothers and being “in competition” with lots of other couples who wanted to adopt.

To us, the purpose of adoption is to find families for children, not find a child for the family.

June 2010: Our first trip as a family of 4
Kayla Nigro of Adventures of a Young Mother asks, “What was the process to get your two children? How long did it take? Was it stressful?

Because of the route we chose to pursue, the process for us was very quick. First we had to become licensed foster parents, which took a few months. The home study was a little stressful, but being a social worker myself I had a good sense of what they were looking for and didn’t go too crazy alphabetizing my canned goods or anything.

Mostly they just want to ensure your home is safe and you have a clean background check.

We had to have a room prepared for the child in advance which was a little strange. I think at this stage in the game our friends and family started to think we were crazy. Having never tried to get pregnant and having been married for less than a year, we were collecting any and all baby/toddler items we might need for whatever child we could be placed with. Some people were supportive from the get-go and others tried to talk us out of it. Not having the same support as we had with our biological children is something that still bothers me to this day. On the other hand, there were people that were kind and helpful at this stage and I’m very grateful for them.

Adopting from foster care means that there is a good chance you will have some foster placements that end up being reunified with their birth parents or going to relatives instead of becoming available for adoption. This did in fact happen with our first foster baby. While it was extremely difficult for us to care for a child and then see him go, we had faith in the process and believed he was going where he needed to be. That whole situation validated our reason for wanting to adopt prior to having bio kids: we knew that we could endure having a child leave, but we didn’t want any children of ours to have to endure saying goodbye to a child that had been ours for however long.

As it turns out, we didn’t have much time to wallow in our grief after saying goodbye to our first foster child.  Less than four hours after he left, we were called for Tiana and Zari.

John with Tiana and Zari
Inez Bayardo of For the Love of Mom asks, “I’m sure there have been times when you feel a question is inappropriate or going too far. How do you handle these types of questions?”

Being an adoptive mom has forced me to learn how to be assertive. While the majority of comments I get are positive, I have been asked some that are nosy, strange, or outright rude.

I could write an entire post about the crazy things I’ve been asked, but for the sake of brevity I will just name a few that stand out in my mind:

Where did you get him? Asked completely out of the blue while grocery shopping with Zari when he was a baby.

How much did they cost? This was asked directly in front of my children who were both old enough to understand at the time.

What was their mom, a crack whore? Yes, someone asked this exact question. I wish I could say I had a witty response but I literally just stood there speechless.

Why didn’t their parents want them? I’m not going to discuss their birth parents and the reasons they are not able to parent.

Do they have the same father? Of course they do, my husband is the father of both of them! If you’re asking about their birth father, why on earth does that matter to you?

Personally I find it difficult to get snarky with people even when it’s warranted. Usually a blank stare accompanied by silence is enough to make the person think twice about what they just asked.

An early pic of me with Zari

When I’m by myself, questions don’t bother me as much. I feel like it’s something that goes with the territory of being a conspicuous family. I made the choice to have this family so I need to accept what comes with it. The questions that really bother me are when they are offensive and asked in front of my children. They didn’t sign up for this and they don’t appreciate being singled out or made to feel different.

I also make a distinction between questions asked out of nosiness vs. people genuinely interested in adoption. I’m happy to engage in a conversation with someone who opens with “I’m interested in adopting, would you be willing to answer some questions for me?” I still won’t disclose personal details that are part of my children’s story, but I will gladly talk about the adoption process in general.

Claire Lyons of The Frugal Family asks, “Do you find kids more tolerant than adults? How have your kids found school etc?”

I have absolutely found kids to be more tolerant than adults. In almost all cases, children accept our family on first glance without hesitation. In most cases they don’t even seem to notice anything different about us.

As the kids have gotten older (they are 7 and 8 now), they occasionally get questions from their peers. Their responses to these questions are as different as their personalities. Zari, always carefree, takes things at face value.

A classmate of his once saw me pick him up from school and was confused. She asked him, “why is your Mom white?” Zari looked over at me as if to verify that I was in fact what she said I was. Then he shrugged, and replied, “she was just born that way.”

Tiana on the other hand is much more aware and concerned about what others think. It’s important to her to fit in and she becomes embarrassed when people ask her about her family.

Liz Farris of It’s a Twinkie Life asks, “how did your bio kids handle the adoption process? And if they came after, how did your adopted kids handle the bio kids? Is there competition? How do they get along?”

Zari and Tiana were 3 and 4 when our first bio child, Elle, was born. They reacted as any child does when they get a new sibling. They loved the baby and also had typical sibling jealousy. This was especially true for Zari, as he was the one being “de-throned” from his place as the baby of the family.

Happy kids with their new baby sister

When our fourth child, Luca, came along, I noticed a slightly different reaction. By then they were 6 and 7 and had more questions about pregnancy and where babies come from. This sparked some thoughts about themselves and their birth parents. Tiana especially started asking things like, “why did she have a baby if she couldn’t take care of one?” I tried to field her questions honestly but with as much detail as she could handle and understand at her age.

Proudly holding their new baby brother

All four of my children behave like regular siblings. They have a normal amount of unconditional love for one another and a normal amount of sibling rivalry. Some combinations of kids get along better than others, but it seems to have more to do with personality type than genetic connection.

Just to verify my answer I asked Zari how he feels about his two sisters. He said “I love them both the same, and they annoy me both the same.” (You can always count on a straight answer from Zari!)

As for Tiana, she also loves all her siblings the same but I also know it means a lot to her that we have Zari. She is more sensitive to looking “different” and it is helpful for her to have someone in the family that looks like her. I’ve also spoken to adult adoptees who say it was difficult growing up without knowing anyone who is biologically related to them. I think this would be an issue for Tiana based on her personality, so I’m glad she has Zari.

Natasha Brown of Grits and Grace asks, “what has been the toughest part for you and your husband raising black children?
Learning to do T’s hair took some practice.

When the kids were first placed with us, I didn’t give much thought to the idea of raising black children. I figured I would need to learn some basics in haircare, but other than that all children need the same things, right?

Well, sort of.

With time I’ve come to realize that there is more to it than food, shelter, and love. Are my husband and I equipped to raise black adults in our society? The honest answer is, probably not. We can teach them what we want them to know (and we’ve already started), but we have not lived the reality that they are living being black individuals in the U.S.

Preparing them for adulthood is a huge responsibility that is not lost on us.

I started giving a lot more thought to this topic when Trayvon Martin was killed. When I saw his cute, boyish face all over the news, I watched in horror. I started to think about my cute little boy and how people would see him when he is a tall, strong, young black man. Could he be shot walking home in our neighborhood? The thought terrifies me.

John and I know that we are raising our kids with a certain amount of privilege. As young children, Tiana and Zari are afforded some basic white privilege by having white parents. We also know that this is temporary.

Once my children are grown and they go out in public without us, the world won’t see what school they went to or what house they grew up in. They will simply be seen as black. People will make judgments and assumptions about them. I’m sure it will be harsh and my kids will likely be unprepared for that.

We have began teaching them basic things like how to act around the police and how to conduct themselves in public. Sadly, I have already had to explain to my son that he needs to control his emotions because if he gets angry, people will be afraid. These conversations are difficult but I know they are necessary.

John and I also know we can only teach them so much.  They will also need some black role models and mentors to help. Transracial adoption doesn’t work without help. It isn’t for everyone and it certainly isn’t easy, but transracial adoption has been a wonderful blessing for our family.

One lucky family
Want to see more posts about transracial adoption? What other questions do you have? Leave a comment!

 

 

 

The Motherless Mom on Mother’s Day

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What is Mother’s Day like for those who have lost their mother? One motherless mom tells her story of love and loss, then finding joy with her own children.

motherless mom

For my first 19 years, Mother’s Day was not much more than a normal spring Sunday. As a child perhaps it was a bit more exciting as I proudly gave my mom a misshapen clay bowl I made in art class. As a teenager maybe it was more of an annoyance for me as I was forced to dress up for church and go to brunch afterwards. My mom probably made me wear nylons under my skirt and I probably fought with her about it because they’re itchy and no one else wears them anyway. But other than that, it wasn’t a day that had much significance for me.

My twentieth Mother’s Day was different. Three months earlier, I had gotten the phone call that changed the course of my life. I was at college, 450 miles away from home, away from all my family and relishing in my new independence. Living a completely self-centered and carefree life as only a young, unmarried, naive college student can.

“It’s cancer”, she said. With those words my carefree existence, my blissful naiveté was shattered just like I could swear I felt my heart shatter in my chest. Like all of me were made of glass and it only took the tiny pinprick of those two words to break me into a million pieces until all that was left of me was a pile of shards on the floor.

“No” was all I could manage to say back to her. I sunk down to the floor in the hallway of my dorm and swiped my hand back and forth over the coarse old carpet that was an ugly shade of blue-fading-into-brown. A hall mate walked by and looked at me on her way to the bathroom and I felt an irrational hostility towards her. How dare she walk by like everything is fine! Why does she get to keep being normal and happy when my whole world just got pulled out from under me?

I can’t remember the rest of the phone conversation, other than the tears. We both knew this was not a battle she would win. Several doctor’s visits earlier she had her diagnosis narrowed down to pancreatitis or pancreatic cancer. A quick Google search had told me the latter option was a virtual death sentence. And we knew it would be a matter of months, not years. I remember wishing she would just tell me everything was going to be fine, because I would have believed her. I was still her kid and she was my mom and whatever she said was right, no matter what Google said. But she didn’t lie, and we just cried.

Three months later, I was home for what I knew would be my last Mother’s Day with a mom. I cared about and prepared for this one like I never had before. Coming from a family that wasn’t big on showing our feelings or saying “I love you”, I wanted this last Mother’s Day to be different. I wanted to find a way to tell her how much she meant to me and what a wonderful mother she had been. I spent days making a homemade gift with my brother and sister, compiling photos and memories into a little book and binding it for her to keep. But by the time Mother’s Day came, she had deteriorated so quickly that she had fallen into a coma and was unable to read it. We tearfully read her the book aloud in hopes that she was still able to hear us, clinging to the hope that it wasn’t too late to tell her what  we should have all along. Four days later, on May 13th, she was gone.

motherless mom
Mom, my brother, me, and my sister in 1986. I always liked how I’m holding onto my mother’s hand.

I wasn’t sure that it would, but life went on. I finished college, a bit more recklessly than I had started it. I traveled a lot. I went from one place to another, always staying busy, avoiding spending too much time alone with my thoughts. During those years Mother’s Day was easy. I had no reason to take notice of it.  Without children and without a mother, it was a holiday that didn’t apply to me.

A few years down the line I found my way back home. I fell in love, in that guarded sort of way that those who truly know heartbreak are prone to do. I married young, and, figuring that if I couldn’t have a Mom, I might as well be a Mom, I sought out to adopt children. By my first anniversary I was a Mommy of two.

That first Mother’s Day as a Mom was strange. I thought having kids would be the magical cure, that the happiness they brought me would fill every kind of void. Instead it was a weird mix of emotions: joy that I had these two beautiful babies that I had the privilege of being Mommy to, and a profound sadness at being forced to face my grief on a day I had successfully avoided for the last six years.

With time, my family grew to include three kids, then four. My mother had always wanted four kids, and here I was living her dream! Except she wasn’t here to see it. During my pregnancies  is when it hurt the worst. I would talk to her in my head: “I think this one is a girl, Mom. Did you think I was a girl before you found out?” And right after giving birth: “Wow, this baby is so beautiful. I know it would be one of the best days of your life if you could just be here to hold her.” Having kids brought a whole new level of longing to the surface. In addition to missing my mom, I’m also missing the Grandma that my kids should have had.

There are mornings when I wake up and in my first few moments of consciousness I forget she is gone. When I realize, the pain washes over me once again. I start to blame her even though I know it doesn’t make sense. “How can you be missing all this? How could you leave me when I still needed you here?”

In theory, I would like for my kids to know who their grandmother was. I have tried to tell them stories about her, but it always seems to trigger tough conversations. “If she’s your mother, why isn’t she here like Grandma Lu?” they would ask. At very young ages I had to explain death to them.  “If your Mommy died, that means you are going to die too, and I don’t want you to die!” my then-5-year-old son cried to me at bedtime one night.

For the most part, I keep my thoughts of my mother to myself. I avoid correcting new friends when they say “your parents” because I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. I’ve gotten adept at acting like everything is fine. I’ve developed the skill of burying bad feelings. And then there are times when out of nowhere it pours out like a levy that has collapsed under too much pressure. Like the time my kids chose Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born for their bedtime story and I got to the page that says “Tell me again about the first night you were my mommy and you sang the lullaby your mommy sang to you” and halfway through the sentence emotion grabbed me by the throat and I couldn’t speak. After they went to bed that night I hid that book high up on the shelf where they wouldn’t be able to grab it again.

Losing my mom has greatly affected the way I parent. I want to do things with my kids now, not wait until they’re adults, because who knows if we will ever have that time? I try to replicate the best memories I have of my mom as a kid. I think about the negative aspects of our relationship and try to improve upon those with my children. I have a different scale of “things worth getting upset about” compared to most parents. In reality my “things worth getting upset about” list is almost identical to my “people who are not allowed to die” list. They are both very short.

My husband asked me what I want for Mother’s Day this year. Just like all the other years, I answered that I’d like a pedicure, or to go out to brunch. Part of me really wants to stay in bed all day and not think about what day it is. But then I would miss out on those four little people proudly handing me their misshapen clay bowl from art class, probably with a crack in it from being carried around by clumsy little hands. So on that day, I will get up and be Mom to my kids, moving forward even though a piece of me is broken, like that crack in the bowl. And I will still think it is beautiful because it was made with the never-ending love between child and mother.