Given the events of the this week, I’ve been walking around with a dark cloud over my head as I’m sure most Americans are. Everyone says to spread kindness in the wake of tragedy but it can be hard when you feel so heavy and gloomy.
Because I think we all need to lift our spirits for a few minutes, I decided to do another roundup of the funniest parents on Twitter. Kudos to these people for spreading a little joy through their clever and/or sarcastic use of 140 characters.
Feel free to follow anyone on here and make your twitter feed 1000% more awesome.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 4, 2017
Why sweat just the big stuff when you can sweat the teeny, tiny things that don’t even matter?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 26, 2017
What I say: No.
What my kids hear: Keep asking until everyone is crying.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) September 24, 2017
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
— wylde de beest (@flashember) September 22, 2017
Sometimes I think I’m really smart, and other times I let my 4yo eat popcorn in my bed.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) September 25, 2017
I hope your kid outgrows their new shoes in less than a month.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 2, 2017
College graduate me: Yay, I never have to do homework again!
Grade-schooler parent me: Wrong, bitch.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 27, 2017
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
— Ashes to ashes (@adult_mom) March 19, 2017
Sunday is a day of rest.
I’m kidding. Go switch the laundry.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 1, 2017
Let’s talk about how my son gets mad at me for time passing too quickly or too slowly.
— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) October 4, 2017
My kids don’t cover themselves in tattoos all the time, but when they do it’s definitely picture day the next day.
— Caitlin (@RealMomRecs) September 29, 2017
If you ever wondered what it’s like parenting girls, I just helped my 9 year old draw her eyebrow back on.
— Daisy Chain (@putyoursisterd1) October 4, 2017
Have kids so you can listen to miniature versions of yourself cry because you cut up a pancake instead of leaving it big.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 12, 2017
4yo: What’s the last number?
Me: There is no last number. Numbers go on forever.
4yo: That’s ok if you don’t know the answer.
— Caitlin (@RealMomRecs) September 20, 2017
“Look what you made me do” – me as I “accidentally” take all the batteries out of my toddler’s toys.
— Hashtag MomFail (@hashtagmomfail) August 31, 2017
If you enjoy being inundated with constant, frequently meaningless and annoying noise, I cannot recommend parenthood enough.
— Mommy, a real person (@MommyIsAPerson) September 4, 2017
“This needs stickers on it.” – toddlers
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) October 4, 2017
“I Should Be Asleep But This is My Only Quiet Time” The autobiography of literally every mom
— Bri Zwart (@LaBlondeOne) October 4, 2017
75% of my FitBit steps are from avoiding other parents at school functions.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 4, 2017
Standards are a little lower for a “nice dinner” when you have kids.
No tears from anyone including yourself? Nice dinner.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 25, 2016
I don’t mean to brag, but my kids can totally pee right through a waterproof mattress cover.
— Caitlin (@RealMomRecs) September 30, 2017
If you enjoyed these, check out part 1 of Funny Parents on Twitter.
And have a laugh at my expense with my Crappy Cell Phone Pics!