You know how kids can be so annoying and so exhausting, you have to laugh about it in order to deal with how insane it is?
That’s where I am right now with my 4 year old waking me up at night. For the most absurd reasons.
My kid isn’t like most little kids who rotate between the “drink of water” and “need to go potty” requests all night long. She prefers to torture me more creatively.
Reasons my 4 year old has woken me up at night:
To ask me if I’m sleeping.
She needs a bandaid for an invisible boo boo.
Her pajamas have a tag that suddenly became itchy.
To ask me why she can say “Mario” but she can’t say “Luh-lee-gee”.
(15 mins later) Just letting me know that Mario wears red and “Luh-lee-gee” wears green and did I know those are Christmas colors?
Checking to see if I remembered that a long, long, long, LONG time ago, she watched Frosty the Snowman.
To ask if it is anybody’s birthday tomorrow.
To ask how many days there are until her birthday.
Screaming, terrified because she is sure she saw one of her stuffed animals move.
(10 mins later) This time she’s not sure if it moved, but she wants me to get it out of her room anyway.
Asks, “if sunscreen smells like bananas does that mean it tastes like bananas?”
To have me dispose of a hangnail that she peeled off.
She wanted me to tell her again what my name was before my name was Mommy.
To let me know that she plans on swimming in the deep water when she’s 5. Or maybe 10. But she thinks 5.
To ask if she will be getting the treat I’ve bribed her with as a reward for not waking me up in the night.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t understand how that bribe is supposed to work 🙄
Sometimes I feel like a better mattress could stop this, I found a very interesting article on Top Mattress blog, right here: https://www.topmattress.com/best-mattress-for-kids/ – I know how sleep is extremely important so sometimes researching and reading a bit can solve the problem.
What ridiculous reasons have your kids had for waking you up in the night? Share your parenting funnies with a comment!
A compilation of some of my favorite quotes that will make you smile!
So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days.
If you don’t like where you are, move. You are not a tree.
It’s only embarrassing if you’re embarrassed.
If you like people who do stupid shit all the time, become a parent. -Kelly Oxford
Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I wonder what my dog named me?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are only 3 things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. -Chris Rock
For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. Ralph Waldo Emerson
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres
Next year, you’ll wish you had started today.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.
“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human version of “Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?”
Create a life you don’t need a vacation from.
I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works.
To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.
I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. – W. C. Fields
Parenting offers the unique experience of realizing you’re already late for something that doesn’t start for 4 hours. -Simon Holland
Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. -Ron White
Wear a smile and have friends, wear a scowl and have wrinkles.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen
When people tell me, “you’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
I’ve met hundreds of Moms in my 8 years as a parent. For the most part I feel like we are all doing our best with a job that’s insanely hard and doesn’t have clear instructions. I truly believe in Moms-supporting-Moms as we all are in this together. But sometimes support comes in the form of tough love. So if you are one of these Moms, the WORST kinds of Moms, I feel like I need to let you know.
Knowledge is power, my Mommy friends.
1. The Pregnancy Police
She is the initiation to all the Worst Moms we will encounter in our mothering career.
After the joy of discovering we’re pregnant and trying to keep it on the down low for 12 weeks, we finally go public with the news. We are glad to join the club with all our friends who became Moms before us. We’ve been longing for their support and are eager to learn from their wisdom.
Unfortunately the joy doesn’t last long, because the Pregnancy Police rushes in with her “friendly advice”.
That coffee is decaf, right? You know caffeine is bad for the baby.
DON’T EAT THAT! How do you know if that cheese was pasteurized?!
Are you going to go natural with your hair now because you know you’re not supposed to dye your hair when you’re pregnant.
While she may have good intentions, the absolute last thing a nervous, vulnerable, first-time pregnant mom needs is the Pregnancy Police watching every move and throwing shame onto her unsuspecting victim.
2. The Constantly Excusing Mom
Her kid is a terror. The tantrums are one of top of another. He refuses to share, grabs toys away from other kids, and screams at his mother when she feebly asks him to stop.
But it’s not the kid’s behavior the is the Worst. It’s the barrage of excuses his mother makes.
She points to him while fake-whispering: “He really didn’t sleep well last night.”
She pretends to talk to her kid when her words are really directed at the other Moms: “You must need to eat something because I know you get cranky when you’re hungry!”
When all else fails and he’s still acting like a jerk, she’ll say “I think someone isn’t feeling well! Must be that bug going around!”
Any excuse will do for the Mom who refuses to assign blame or correct her child’s behavior. If only she’d say something like, “wow, he’s acting like such a little shit today!”, we could all be friends.
3. The Non-reciprocating Mom
Listen lady, I pretended to enjoy having your little hellion over to play at my house last week so that you would entertain my little hellion at your house next week. That’s how this works.
The worst offenders will even call you again and ask you to watch their kid so they can go do something. Regardless of what you think, I’m actually not a free childcare service.
4. The Humble-Brag Mom
This Mom just HATES to brag, but could you believe her 3 year old was allowed to play on the 4 year old soccer team? And she has no idea why, because he only scored 6 goals the first game when he probably could have scored 7.
Not to mention her daughter, who entered kindergarten reading chapter books, but seriously she had no idea all kids weren’t doing that!
Watch out for the humble-brag mom on social media. You will know her from how #grateful she is for her perfectly coordinated children who just surprised her with homemade cookies and a vase of fresh flowers! Isn’t she so #blessed?
5. The Flakey Mom
This Mom could actually be cool, if you were ever able to nail down a time to see her. She makes plans to come over, then texts to cancel an hour after she was supposed to be there. When she does show up, she’s gotta run after 30 minutes because she forgot about dance class. If she makes it to the pool party, you better have an extra bathing suit to loan her kid because Flakey Mom definitely won’t have one.
6. The Judgey Mom
She is the absolute WORST of all the Worst Moms No One Can Stand. Forget whatever you thought you were doing right as a parent, because this mom is here to tell you you’re doing it wrong.
Wait, why does he have a bottle? Didn’t he turn 1 last week?
Is that a happy meal toy? My kids don’t even know what McDonalds is!
I’m SURE you’ve heard about TV and how it’s bad for brain development.
If you recognize yourself as one of these Moms:
I’m sorry we can’t stand you. Take it as constructive criticism, reign in your Worst Mom behavior, and we can all Kumbaya while complaining about our kids once more.
School’s out now, so our crappy cell phone pics should reflect the utter chaos that is our current home life.
We are spending most of our days at the pool to avoid killing each other at home.
Push up pops always seem like a good idea until an over-excited kid pushes it all the way up, out, and into the dirt.
Nothing says “classy” like a baby wearing only a diaper playing with a red Solo cup.
When you’re only 7 but you’re pretty much too cool for everything.
Brought the kids to watch a baseball game so they could eat their weight in junk food and still have no understanding of baseball.
Parenting riddle: How many fairs does a Mom need to attend before she realizes it’s pointless to try to take pictures of a moving ride?
Ice bucket challenge: toddler edition
I completely underestimated the level of humiliation a 7 and 8 year old could feel from an over-excited Mom wanting a pic of their first swim meet.
Adventures in grocery shopping with 4 kids, or “when parents bury their young in food products”.
Kids today with their cell phones. It’s like they start taking selfies when they’re practically babies.
Letting 4 year olds walk along the stone wall and jump into an 8 year old’s arms: file that one under “seemed like a good idea at the time.”
When your kid gets her face painted and turns into a real life Snapchat filter.
The kids got to go in these giant human hamster balls for the last day of school. When I was a kid we got our thrills from the possibility of being burned going down the big metal slide.
Check our previous Weeks in Crappy Cell Phone Pics: June 8
